I sit here as my tea steam steeps, tangy sweet with turmeric and lemongrass, in search of something that eludes me. I'm ok with the search now as opposed to the aimless flailing into the depths of addiction as was my only counter measure against such uncertainty in the past. It's the search itself I believe I live for. An unease with myself, KD Lang would refer to it as the constant craving. Not a craving for a thing, a drug or person but a yearning, unfulfillable, I've come accustomed too. Some days I hate it and I'm uncomfortable by how it makes me feel, other days I'm inspired and in full control of my future only to realize my arrogance later; the audacity to think I have a vote in what the universe has planned for me. Is it reinvention every time my life requires me to pivot or a humble shedding of yet another sheaf exposing myself more and more until I'm forced to walk the path to which I'm destined. 

    I write this blog for I find it cathartic. I have no idea how many people will be interested in the inner workings of my mind or what the judgements, of which I'm terrified, will be. It's a practice in humility and vulnerability of which both are outside my comfort zone. Yet I find myself more secure after I've shared my thoughts and for that reason I should do this more often.  Insecurity is familiar for me, once

dealt with by cocaine and warm vodka I now find myself leaning into it. A comfortable dis-ease. Injured and off work, in need of a new career I lean into the loss of identity once more and take pause in the void. I've found I get so wrapped up in what I assume people see me as I forget to be myself. Skateboarder. Carpenter. Partier. I've held onto those labels to hard, and for too long. I'm much more than that, perhaps I'm less? I don't partake in any of those activities with regularity anymore. I wake up early, I mediate, I drink too much coffee, the proper amount of tea. I ride bikes motorized and otherwise, I dream of fly fishing and growing more food. I play tennis and dance in the kitchen with my partner and stress over things I can't control.

    I have no idea what I'm supposed to be or where I'm supposed to be going but I'm genuinely happy to wake up tomorrow, stare into the abyss of my future and welcome what comes.