Learning about ones self

I've shocked myself a few times over the last 6 months, almost gotten an insight into whom I might actually be after all. Under the layers, I've built over the years of the Micheal Farley I've chosen to portray to y'all, little glimpses of the Michael Farley I may be, have started to breakthrough. One of the biggest and most pleasurable surprises so far has been face cream. Dear God, the luxury I've denied myself this long. I can barely be forgiven. The sandalwood scented elixir that comes in a tiny jar from Nezza Naturals has, without hyperbole, changed my life. I had never allowed myself the opportunity to feel my dry skin, there was only skin. Only skin deep. If a physical sensation as obvious and by definition on the surface could go unnoticed for decades, for christ's sake what else have I been missing? Still learning the language of emotions, to put names to the hollow swirling sensations inside I find a simple act such as noticing the dry skin around my eyes, crows footed and smile lined a blessing. A touchstone, as a reminder I'm working on it. I'm allowed to feel a subtle disturbance and I'm allowed to rectify the issue with something so simple, refreshing and luxurious.

I'm also surprised to find I'm still here, alive yes, though I feel as if I'm no longer stalked by the biggest predator in the forest of my sub conscience. But here. Here, here. Victoria, BC. This is the longest I've stayed in one city in my adult life, just over seven years. I stare out the window above my desk and I see the underside of a canoe, an oak tree that scares the shit out of me and a shop I built last summer; jammed with motorcycles and bits, tools large and small for all sorts of hypothetical projects that may never get off the ground. The tree, I hate to say, I could do without. It's leaning at about 65 degrees and is rotten at the bottom, this tree is on it's way out one way or another. The canoe trips me out. It's a sturdy vessel, well taken care of, yellow and I see no reason I won't own it for the rest of my life with a little care. The rest of my life, that's how long I'll own it. I won't implode and search for a geographical solution to a hyper-localized problem, swirling around the exact location my feet happen to be. No burnt bridges, ruined relationships and financial hardships. I won't ditch the canoe and jam my belongings into a bag and split. I'll be here, certainly longer than the tree, dealing with my shit. Learning how to love deeper, more truly and hopefully more broadly. There is a lot of hate and division in our world right now and I want nothing to do with it. You can catch me reading, pretending I know how to fish, getting smoked by my boo playing tennis and minding my own business. Turns out forever after could be a thing.